What does hope look like?

For some, 2020 was the worst year of their lives. The world was brought to its knees by a microscopic virus, that is still very much so present in our lives over 18 months later. Many lost their lives, others lost their jobs, plenty lost their way. And yet, somehow, for me at least, 2021 was infinitely worse.

Now, that might sound like a whiny, main character syndrome type of vibe, but hey, this is my blog and my perspective and you are here reading this. For some reason, this year has decided to take a sledgehammer to everything in my life that I know to be sturdy, testing all of my foundations, and here I am now, trying to test them to see what is beyond repair and what is salvageable. While searching through all of this rubble and choking on the dust of emotion and reverie, there has always been something lighting the way, as it always does. Hope is a very curious thing, and a thing that I have struggled to see this year, even though it has been staring me in the face this whole time.

There are a few places that I know I can always find hope, and sometimes all we need is a little reminder. So if you are feeling hopeless, I wish for these words to store themselves in your pocket, for you to find like a $20 in a jacket you haven’t worn in awhile.

Hope is found in the little saunter from your pet as you come home. You left them alone, for hours, and they trusted you to return. When you do, they welcome you with kisses and purrs and wiggles and all sorts of love. The blind hope they have in your return from your day is something I am extremely jealous of these days, and something I wish to find again soon. Trusting people to return to you as their home, night after night.

Hope is found in your friends who check up on you. Life gets crazy and things get in the way, but there will always be people there for you when you say “Hey, I am not okay and I need you to be here for me”. They will show up. Life is 80% showing up… the other 20% that you do when you get there means significantly less than the act of simply showing up. Show up. Be there for people and they will be there for you.

Hope is found in looking up. In seeing the moonlight cast across the night sky, consistent and patient and everlasting, unwavering and ready to shine on the world no matter what kind of day it is having. In seeing the treetops begin to blossom and bloom even after the harshest and longest of winters. In the birds continuously singing their favorite songs and tapping their favorite beats for all of us to enjoy. In the sunsets and sunrises that dare to be beautiful with no promise that anyone will be paying attention.

Hope is found in the healing. There are some days where the very best thing you will do that day is make your bed. And that day is worth just as much as the day when you accomplish something huge that you have been working on for months. There is hope in looking back on that day when you did your very best to survive, and you did it and you made it all the way here, to today, reading this, and thinking of that last big thing you accomplished. If no one has told you this today, I am really proud of you for being here, despite it all.

Hope is found in encountering the same situations with renewed energy and spirit. I think that is one of the coolest things, when you can recognize you (or your people!!) are handling a situation or a trigger or an anniversary so differently than you have in the past. That is growth of spirit and mind and body. The other day in therapy I equated this to soccer, of course. The best coaches (in my opinion, no this is not a soccer blog and therefore this is not up for debate, at least not now) prepare their teams by showing them every possible situation that could occur and then giving them the tools to solve it as quickly and cleanly as possible. That’s life: showing us a shitton of different, difficult problems and saying hey have fun solving this one! The more situations you encounter, the more efficient you get at solving the problems because you are more prepared mentally and have more items at the ready on your toolbelt. My therapist then asked what the goal was… why solve these problems? In the soccer analogy, what is the end goal here? I paused and thought for awhile… and I truly think it’s joy. Not happiness, but joy. The difference here being that joy is an all encompassing emotion… being present and feeling the full strength of happiness is joy. There are little moments of happiness everywhere if you look for them, the daisies in the storm as my mom would say. But joy is when there are no storm clouds, only daisies and sunshine and the perfect playlist to fit the vibe and precisely what you wanted to eat and who you wanted to eat it with. Joy can seem really far away when the pitch is long and full of scary defenders, but we all know that to break down lines of defense, all it takes is intentional movement and thought. One day at a time, intentionally moving and thinking of dismantling the bad things in that day and moving onto the next. If you mess up, that’s okay because you have a goalkeeper and a bunch of other people there ready to recover for you. One day, one breath, one movement at a time.

I started writing this post when I was really, really heartbroken back in November 2021 (made it through the first 5 paragraphs and stopped for a nice cry and didn’t pick it back up until tonight), randomly exactly four months ago to the day. Four months later, I can say that hearts can take a hell of a beating, but they still just keep beating. I have never had my heart broken by someone else. By myself, yes, plenty of times, of course. By soccer and various sports teams. By my favorite restaurants shutting down. By not living close to my favorite people. By some of my favorite people dying. But I have never been heartbroken by someone else’s decisions. And I never thought it would come from someone who I loved deeply.

This was a new realm, and one that was not easily navigable nor is it still. But throughout it all, there has been hope; just as there always will be. I am confused and bewildered by the fact that I have so many incredible people in my corner, still, who pick me up and dust me off no matter what has happened and no matter what I am facing. My brain doesn’t compute why people still believe I am worthy of their love and care despite all of my flaws. How precious it is to surround yourself with wonderful people who will continuously hold up a mirror until you see your worth! Even if you throw a rock at that mirror or cover it… they will stand there with patience and grace and keep waiting until you are ready to see it for yourself. This is true friendship and love and hope. The steady hand holding the mirror, trying to show you all of the greatness they see within you so you can see it within yourself. The right people will hold this for you forever, and we better take time to hold their mirrors when they need hope right back.